Entirely fair. I mean, I came out onlione as queer when I was 14-15, I think. And, well. I mean, I didn't IDENTIFY as disabled at well past 15-16, but I was by that point at least VERY vaguely aware that my physical issues were not totally Standard Issue Body Problems. *wry?*
I mean. I'm not ENTIRELY sure, I'd have to dig through what journal entries are left to me between shame and other factors. But. I do know for sure that 14-16 (1999-2002) was the age at which I had the basics of gender/sexuality theory pounded into my head by various online folks of my acquaintance, and I was also... First Dealing with being Physically Fucked Up and also Athletic. (I still cannot express enough gratitude to the attack badger feminist that did that pounding through for my stupid-ass young-ass Southern-bound self. She was, I think, more than slightly nuts, but..... my teenage self got the basics that let herself fucking *live* for years and years thereafter, even if she missed more than a few details. I will never begrudge that woman anything, for not only putting up with my teenage self but educating her.)
It's not that it's a simple continuum, by any means! But... I DO find myself wondering how much having gone "oh shit I'm, uh, kinda queer as fucking fuck," might've then fed into "oh shit, I'm... not Standard-Issue Able-Bodied, am I."
I mean. My disabled experience has been, uh, rather informed by the fact that by age 22 at the absolute LATEST, having a Really Medically Unambiguously Disabled SIL (whom I live with!) that had already dealt with A Lot Of the shit I would end up dealing with, but. *hands* It doesn't actually quite invalidate my experiences either? *wry*
But the internalised shame is still hard. I find that, some nine years into having accepted the use of a cane on a regular basis, it is less hard than it first was, but. It is, in fact, some nine years later. I.... do still struggle with shame doing weird/ridiculous dance at my aerial gym and I honestly don't find that especially different than any other shame I've had, prior?? *facepalm*
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Date: 2018-07-02 08:33 am (UTC)I mean. I'm not ENTIRELY sure, I'd have to dig through what journal entries are left to me between shame and other factors. But. I do know for sure that 14-16 (1999-2002) was the age at which I had the basics of gender/sexuality theory pounded into my head by various online folks of my acquaintance, and I was also... First Dealing with being Physically Fucked Up and also Athletic. (I still cannot express enough gratitude to the attack badger feminist that did that pounding through for my stupid-ass young-ass Southern-bound self. She was, I think, more than slightly nuts, but..... my teenage self got the basics that let herself fucking *live* for years and years thereafter, even if she missed more than a few details. I will never begrudge that woman anything, for not only putting up with my teenage self but educating her.)
It's not that it's a simple continuum, by any means! But... I DO find myself wondering how much having gone "oh shit I'm, uh, kinda queer as fucking fuck," might've then fed into "oh shit, I'm... not Standard-Issue Able-Bodied, am I."
I mean. My disabled experience has been, uh, rather informed by the fact that by age 22 at the absolute LATEST, having a Really Medically Unambiguously Disabled SIL (whom I live with!) that had already dealt with A Lot Of the shit I would end up dealing with, but. *hands* It doesn't actually quite invalidate my experiences either? *wry*
But the internalised shame is still hard. I find that, some nine years into having accepted the use of a cane on a regular basis, it is less hard than it first was, but. It is, in fact, some nine years later. I.... do still struggle with shame doing weird/ridiculous dance at my aerial gym and I honestly don't find that especially different than any other shame I've had, prior?? *facepalm*